Hello lovely Reader,
I have reversed my decision to leave the blog just as it is, and have decided to give you one final update. I will attempt to bring everything full-circle. So here goes, dear Reader, and thank you for listening and responding to me throughout these past few months.
Just like I entered a new realm of being that included sadness and despair when I began going through the fraction (or, breakup), I've entered a new one now: A realm of renewel and light.
In January, the opportunity to cross paths with Ex arose, and I took it. I hadn't seen Ex since around the time of the breakup, which had occurred months before. This whole fraction experience has been one of documentation for me, and I wanted to experience that potentially dreaded "first encounter" post-fraction- to see what it's really like to be in close proximity to one another once again, and to feel the feelings that come along with it. And well...it was awkward. Really awkward. My pal Lexie predicted beforehand that upon setting my eyes on Ex, "You'll probably feel a mixture of nostalgia, sadness, anger, and confusion. But you'll just feel too verklempt to do anything about it."
And oh, how she was spot on.
But here's the beautiful thing, Reader: Even though I did feel that mixture of emotions, I wasn't mourning the lost relationship. In fact, in hindsight, seeing Ex in the flesh made me realize how grateful I was to have had him in my life at all, however briefly that was in the grand scheme of things. Six months ago, I would have seen Ex's newly-tagged Sadie Hawkins photos from this weekend, looked at his date, and thought to myself 'that should be me.' But now, I've reached the point where I want Ex to be happy, I want him to have a fun date and an enjoyable time with his friends, even though I'm not one of them. I'd like to compare my relationship experience with Ex to a book: It had a beginning, a middle, and an end. It wasn't until I really got over the fraction, that I was able to put the book back on the shelf, and take it out whenever I pleased, looking fondly over the already-written and finished chapters of my life.
And thus, my life has gone on. I've experienced new crushes, blossomed as a person, and feel completely able to embrace each day as it comes- a complete 180 from my fraction days. And if you're going through a fraction Reader, you will experience this newfound realm of being as well. It may take time, but you will heal. You will feel happy again. And you will love and be loved again.
I will never be able to thank you enough for sharing this momentous journey of my adolescent life with me: My very. First. Heartbreak. All of your kind reponses and sentiments have made me feel like this blog was actually worth writing! I wish you only the best. Go in peace, walk softly on your path, and may light shine on you all the days of your life.
Best,
Anna
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Update!
Hello all. I am updating this blog to inform you, dear Reader, that I am 100% over the fraction (or, breakup)! And what an incredible feeling it is! Writing this blog has served as a purging experience- I was able to flesh out all my thoughts into words in a process that proved therapeutic. And the response has been incredible. People have shared their own stories and thoughts with me, something I am very thankful for. It takes a lot to open up about an experience so earth-shaking, and I commend you.
I encourage you to continue sending in your stories and thoughts, as I enjoy listening and garnering your points of view. And Reader, if you are going through a fraction, just know it will get better. The moment when you realize life goes on, the world keeps turning, and you will be just fine, is a moment worth remembering forever. You are special, Reader. Embrace yourself and the power you hold.
Best,
Anna
I encourage you to continue sending in your stories and thoughts, as I enjoy listening and garnering your points of view. And Reader, if you are going through a fraction, just know it will get better. The moment when you realize life goes on, the world keeps turning, and you will be just fine, is a moment worth remembering forever. You are special, Reader. Embrace yourself and the power you hold.
Best,
Anna
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Crucial Introduction
Dear Possibly Gut wrenched, Heartbroken, and Despairing Reader,
Like many before me, I have searched far and wide for a cure to pains of a breakup. I am in the middle of my first breakup with my first boyfriend (who will here on out be referred to as ‘Ex’), and let me tell you- it is not easy. I see him in all store windows, on Facebook, and in my thoughts and dreams. However, I am choosing to embrace this pain because how many first breakups do you have? You’re correct! One!
I will not disclose the details of my relationship with Ex in this blog. The reasoning behind this is that I’m worried what you see and don’t see in our relationship will render this information less valuable in your eyes, as our situation may not have been anything like yours. But I think we can all agree that pain is universal— all humans capable of loving will inevitably feel pain at some point. You may be feeling this pain right now, and this blog is here to help. Reader, this blog has been an emotional experiment, if you will. I’ve been broken up with my Ex for about three months now, and during this period have decided to reach out to countless beings for advice and support in an effort to gain an understanding of this newfound realm of being I’ve been thrust into— a realm of sadness and despair. I have sought the advice of all wise and trustworthy superiors available to me, and have consulted every great, young mind in my phonebook. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one. Limitless hours of phone calls and one-on-one talks have provided me with the information in the coming pages. These forthcoming pages include words of advice, support, and mental exercises that have made this truly life-altering experience a bit easier, and will hopefully help you out as well. If you are not going through a breakup, consider holding onto this for possible future reference (hopefully that won’t happen) or for visiting/revisiting an emotional, character-shaping time.
And Reader, if you are going through a breakup, you have something to be proud of. The fact that you are feeling such pain is indicative of that fact that you are a human capable of loving and opening up to another person. Not all beings have this ability. You are one of the lovely and lucky ones. And please know this: you are not, nor are you ever, alone.
Sincerely,
Anna Dirkx
Like many before me, I have searched far and wide for a cure to pains of a breakup. I am in the middle of my first breakup with my first boyfriend (who will here on out be referred to as ‘Ex’), and let me tell you- it is not easy. I see him in all store windows, on Facebook, and in my thoughts and dreams. However, I am choosing to embrace this pain because how many first breakups do you have? You’re correct! One!
I will not disclose the details of my relationship with Ex in this blog. The reasoning behind this is that I’m worried what you see and don’t see in our relationship will render this information less valuable in your eyes, as our situation may not have been anything like yours. But I think we can all agree that pain is universal— all humans capable of loving will inevitably feel pain at some point. You may be feeling this pain right now, and this blog is here to help. Reader, this blog has been an emotional experiment, if you will. I’ve been broken up with my Ex for about three months now, and during this period have decided to reach out to countless beings for advice and support in an effort to gain an understanding of this newfound realm of being I’ve been thrust into— a realm of sadness and despair. I have sought the advice of all wise and trustworthy superiors available to me, and have consulted every great, young mind in my phonebook. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one. Limitless hours of phone calls and one-on-one talks have provided me with the information in the coming pages. These forthcoming pages include words of advice, support, and mental exercises that have made this truly life-altering experience a bit easier, and will hopefully help you out as well. If you are not going through a breakup, consider holding onto this for possible future reference (hopefully that won’t happen) or for visiting/revisiting an emotional, character-shaping time.
And Reader, if you are going through a breakup, you have something to be proud of. The fact that you are feeling such pain is indicative of that fact that you are a human capable of loving and opening up to another person. Not all beings have this ability. You are one of the lovely and lucky ones. And please know this: you are not, nor are you ever, alone.
Sincerely,
Anna Dirkx
Let There Be Light Again
One Saturday morning about a year ago, I caught a radio show called ‘This American Life’ on National Public Radio (more on that later) while driving. The show was about breakups and has stuck with me ever since. The host interviewed a girl named Lauren Waterman who was going through a breakup at the time, and I think she phrased the experience nicely: “That’s the crazy thing about it; breaking up with someone is literally the most common thing. Like everyone you know broke up with everyone they ever dated until maybe the person they’re with right now, if they’re with someone right now. But when it happens to you it feels so…specific.”
My friend Ashley, a photography major in Austin, was kind enough to open up to me about her breakup experience:
“I will never, ever, in my entire life, forget what it felt like the day my first true love broke my trust and my heart. It was me on the floor of my bedroom, unable to breath, unable to cry, unable to even comprehend what the hell had just happen. How did I allow somebody else to let me feel like this? At some point I had let my defenses down completely. I had made myself totally vulnerable to the point where I literally 'lost myself' in another person. Well there I was: a curled up pathetic human ball on the floor, a memory for me that is a permanent testament of the catch-22 that comes with being in love.”
I have a good friend named Clark. He’s in college up in Chicago, and is a tall, dashing hipster musician. About one month into my breakup (this word is already getting old- I’m now going to call it ‘fraction’ because a fraction is something that can be turned to a whole again if you try, just like you and me), I gave Clark a call. We talked for an hour and he left me dizzy with inspiration. Here’s some of what he said:
“When you put stock into what was going on, that makes it very hard. You weren’t just spending time with them physically; you were spiritually growing because you were sharing yourself with another person… It’s normal when thinking about [them] to start remembering all the good times because that’s a natural reaction. I do that. You automatically switch to good thoughts because no one likes to feel pain.”
Sigh. Ain’t it the truth, though? Clark brought up a good point: romanticizing. It’s something I am all too familiar with. But like Clark said, it’s human for one to do so. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, and romanticizing is proof of that. However, don’t kid yourself, my dear Reader. No relationship is perfect; there are bound to be rough spots. You have got to keep those “bad” memories of your relationship in mind too, in an effort to gain a holistic and real picture.
≈
I have two best friends, and one is named Erica. She is a teenager, but was born with the mind of an 80 year old that has seen, experienced, and grown. She is a beautiful book worm who has the true gift of being an unbiased listener. Erica told me that “breaking off communication with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend is half the battle”. And that’s the truth. But reader, it must be done. I said that so boldly, but nearly all beings I have gone to for advice have deemed this the number one rule in getting over a fraction. I have the words of my friend Sarah to reinforce Erica’s point: “He didn’t want to talk to me after [we broke up], but I just kept trying to call and call him. It got to the point where he said something very mean about it. I hope you don’t get to that point.”
In my post-fraction experience, any sort of communication with Ex (in this example we will use a text message) would go something like this:
1. I’d compose a simple text saying something like, “This is so hard, want to talk about it?”
2. Three minutes later my phone would vibrate, and my heart would pound as I saw the words ‘1 New Message’.
3. I’d view the message, and it would say something like, “Only if you do.” Ugh, don’t even get me started on the vagueness and provoking subtext of that statement.
4. As I composed a reply, my mind would be telling me, ‘You know, you can handle this. You really can. Talking through this stuff is beneficial.’ DON’T BE FOOLED. This is “in-the-moment” crap that your mind is converting from the warm feeling you get from this brief contact.
5. About five minutes to an hour after the conversation ended, I’d begin to feel the sting of speaking to someone who ultimately didn’t want to be with me anymore. The intensity of the sting would escalate for 2-3 days before leveling off. After that, I’d start the cycle over again. Anything to speak to him. Cringe.
Believe me Reader, I know it’s hard. When Ex and I fractioned, he insisted on cutting off communication for a solid two months. And who wants to do that? Nobody. And as you read previously, I yielded to my temptation to call or text him, which only did me wrong. I kept praying he would say the things I desperately wanted him to say, but he never did. It hurt like hell.
Luckily throughout my post-fraction experience, I have grown closer to a few people at my school. One of those people is named Jonathan (in fact, our friendship is one of the lovely things that have come out of my fraction). Jonathan is a handsome, all-American young thing who teachers fawn over. Because even though he enjoys distracting the class with hilarious commentary, he displays the utmost wit and acuteness. Anyways, Jonathan was telling me about his first real fraction with his first real girlfriend Carmen. He had this to say:
“You have to stay strong. I know you want to call him, but with me and Carmen…I would call her because I use to always turn to her with my problems. But after the breakup, when we talked on the phone I would talk about how I was feeling about the breakup. And it was pathetic. I would take it back in a second. I’m not saying you’re pathetic, but you [just have to] keep looking forward.”
True dat, Jonathan. And Reader, as an author I’m not saying you look pathetic if you have fallen into this territory (like I did so willingly), but be aware that if you choose to keep up contact, you are swimming in dangerous waters that could cause your poor, little heart more sorrow and/or instability. Just keep on truckin’!
≈
Every Friday, my first period at school chooses to engage in an activity we call ‘Circle’. Everyone puts their desk in a, you guessed it, circle, and we go around talking about our week and answering thought-provoking questions from some neat and yellowed question book. I remember one Friday, a few weeks after Ex and I had split, I lamented to the class and our teacher:
“Why can’t we have a class over heartbreak? It’s something everyone goes through, and it’s an inevitable part of life. All people need to learn to cope with it, so why isn’t heartbreak featured in the curriculum? I’m being serious!”
My teacher, an all-knowing psychologist and published author, the wisest instructor my school has ever known, smiled gently and replied with this:
“Because it has to be learned, not taught.”
≈
A fraction is an emotional rollercoaster, at least in my case it is. The first two weeks afterwards was a horrible and devastating time. What was I supposed to do now after school since I couldn’t spend time with Ex drinking Simply Lemonade and chatting about our day? Where would I go now after play rehearsal since we couldn’t cuddle on his couch and watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I had to find something to fill up the time or I’d go crazy.
But I’m not going to lie to you; it took quite a few weeks of just plain moping before I got around to doing anything productive. But once I did, my heart began feeling better and continues to feel better. My first order of business was writing a letter to myself. I got the idea from the wikiHow website. The idea was found on the page, ‘How to Get Over a Breakup’. Writing a letter to yourself sounds like a lame idea you’d find in Seventeen (or just a How-To website…), but it really works. Here’s what you shall do:
1. Grab a pen, paper, and gather your thoughts.
2. Write a letter that encourages personal strength. Now’s not the time to be modest— compliment yourself on anything and everything. Tell yourself to stay strong, because you ARE strong, my dear little Reader.
3. Conjure up not-so-good memories of your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and record them. And really be relentless. When you feel like calling or texting your ex, this letter will serve as a reminder of all the bad things and hopefully prevent you from contacting them.
Another method of coping is bringing yourself back down to earth by talking to someone who makes you laugh. In my experience, it’s easy to become wrapped up in your own world and feel secluded. Next time you feel this way, pick up the phone and talk about it with someone. I swear to god, talking it out works wonders. Many a sad tear of mine hath turned into tears of laughter thanks to Jonathan or other good pals of mine.
And please do this if you have time, good Reader: google ‘This American Life breakups’, click the first result, and listen to the radio show I mentioned earlier. It’s a roughly hour-long show about people dealing with heartbreak in their lives— and surprisingly it’s incredibly charming, endearing, and hopeful. In my eyes at least. Please give it a listen. It will lift your spirits and make you smile a little.
≈
I met Conrad at a youth leadership convention about ten months ago. He’s one of those rare beings who’s wise beyond their years and whose compassion is comparable to that of Mother Theresa. Seriously. Conrad has this to say:
“ A boyfriend, a partner, a lover is a companion in life, but not necessarily a cornerstone in my existence; we all have our own light, and it doesn't fade or fundamentally change in the presence of another light.”
Reader, you survived before you ex-partner, and you will survive after them! Conrad continued with:
“Losing someone close to me once, I felt as if all the light in the world had escaped this vacuum of love. After realizing, but still not owning, the fact that ‘we’ were no longer, all I wanted to do was curl up and wait for my world to implode or turn back into what it was. I was anxious to be back with him because I wanted to be back with myself. To my surprise, I was completely wrapped up in this companionship. It wasn't until I received some fabulous insight from a mutual friend that I remembered that I was my own person before him. I was a beautiful, smiley, exuberant, wonderful, sexy person while with him... Why shouldn't I have been before? Right! After that first lurch of empowerment, I was on the mend. Sure, there were times when I was certainly sad. I missed him dearly. I missed the comfort of his fire, and the energy that came along with it. However, owning myself, and realizing my independence, was perhaps the greatest and most important thing he could have taught me.”
Ashley, the friend I mentioned earlier, also had some valuable input:
“Although excruciatingly slow, father Time is truly the ultimate healer of heartbreak. It's hard to remember that when something terrible happens to you, one day you will be okay again-- just like how the nastiest of wounds will eventually heal. It's so important to hold on to that because you're essentially holding on to yourself. I remember vividly the feeling that I was not only going to feel like shit for the rest of my damned life, but I was also never going to find somebody I loved more than him. It's just not true, it is a complete mirage we paint in our heads and it's so dangerous to our mental health. After months of pain, I realized how scary it was that I had invested so much emotion into that relationship, and that realization has shaped and molded my perspective today.”
≈
One of the most enriching experiences I’ve had since the fraction was with my church’s senior minister. I go to a Unitarian church (in a nutshell, a place where all religions are accepted and seen as true) and on a Tuesday afternoon in late November, I sat down in his office. He is one of the wisest men I have ever met, and my respect for his candor and thoughtfulness is never ending. This quote is paraphrased as I cannot recall the exact wording. Reader, if you take anything away from this blog, take this:
“The most important part of healing from a relationship is self-reflection. It is only through self-reflection that we grow. Ask yourself why you miss that person. What have you learned from this experience? It’s important to be honest with yourself. Some people spend their whole lives not figuring this out. I wish I had reflected when I was your age [and not just forced myself to move on]. It would have made things a lot easier later on. You’re going to meet someone when you’re 35 who is still the same 15 year old they were in high school. It’s because they never reflected.”
I’m proud to say that I have taken his advice to heart. I have confronted my innermost desires, virtues, and vices head on with self-reflection. And it works. I haven’t healed completely from the breakup, but thanks to this reflection concept, I’ve done what I can. Now all I need is time.
My friend Ashley, a photography major in Austin, was kind enough to open up to me about her breakup experience:
“I will never, ever, in my entire life, forget what it felt like the day my first true love broke my trust and my heart. It was me on the floor of my bedroom, unable to breath, unable to cry, unable to even comprehend what the hell had just happen. How did I allow somebody else to let me feel like this? At some point I had let my defenses down completely. I had made myself totally vulnerable to the point where I literally 'lost myself' in another person. Well there I was: a curled up pathetic human ball on the floor, a memory for me that is a permanent testament of the catch-22 that comes with being in love.”
I have a good friend named Clark. He’s in college up in Chicago, and is a tall, dashing hipster musician. About one month into my breakup (this word is already getting old- I’m now going to call it ‘fraction’ because a fraction is something that can be turned to a whole again if you try, just like you and me), I gave Clark a call. We talked for an hour and he left me dizzy with inspiration. Here’s some of what he said:
“When you put stock into what was going on, that makes it very hard. You weren’t just spending time with them physically; you were spiritually growing because you were sharing yourself with another person… It’s normal when thinking about [them] to start remembering all the good times because that’s a natural reaction. I do that. You automatically switch to good thoughts because no one likes to feel pain.”
Sigh. Ain’t it the truth, though? Clark brought up a good point: romanticizing. It’s something I am all too familiar with. But like Clark said, it’s human for one to do so. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, and romanticizing is proof of that. However, don’t kid yourself, my dear Reader. No relationship is perfect; there are bound to be rough spots. You have got to keep those “bad” memories of your relationship in mind too, in an effort to gain a holistic and real picture.
≈
I have two best friends, and one is named Erica. She is a teenager, but was born with the mind of an 80 year old that has seen, experienced, and grown. She is a beautiful book worm who has the true gift of being an unbiased listener. Erica told me that “breaking off communication with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend is half the battle”. And that’s the truth. But reader, it must be done. I said that so boldly, but nearly all beings I have gone to for advice have deemed this the number one rule in getting over a fraction. I have the words of my friend Sarah to reinforce Erica’s point: “He didn’t want to talk to me after [we broke up], but I just kept trying to call and call him. It got to the point where he said something very mean about it. I hope you don’t get to that point.”
In my post-fraction experience, any sort of communication with Ex (in this example we will use a text message) would go something like this:
1. I’d compose a simple text saying something like, “This is so hard, want to talk about it?”
2. Three minutes later my phone would vibrate, and my heart would pound as I saw the words ‘1 New Message’.
3. I’d view the message, and it would say something like, “Only if you do.” Ugh, don’t even get me started on the vagueness and provoking subtext of that statement.
4. As I composed a reply, my mind would be telling me, ‘You know, you can handle this. You really can. Talking through this stuff is beneficial.’ DON’T BE FOOLED. This is “in-the-moment” crap that your mind is converting from the warm feeling you get from this brief contact.
5. About five minutes to an hour after the conversation ended, I’d begin to feel the sting of speaking to someone who ultimately didn’t want to be with me anymore. The intensity of the sting would escalate for 2-3 days before leveling off. After that, I’d start the cycle over again. Anything to speak to him. Cringe.
Believe me Reader, I know it’s hard. When Ex and I fractioned, he insisted on cutting off communication for a solid two months. And who wants to do that? Nobody. And as you read previously, I yielded to my temptation to call or text him, which only did me wrong. I kept praying he would say the things I desperately wanted him to say, but he never did. It hurt like hell.
Luckily throughout my post-fraction experience, I have grown closer to a few people at my school. One of those people is named Jonathan (in fact, our friendship is one of the lovely things that have come out of my fraction). Jonathan is a handsome, all-American young thing who teachers fawn over. Because even though he enjoys distracting the class with hilarious commentary, he displays the utmost wit and acuteness. Anyways, Jonathan was telling me about his first real fraction with his first real girlfriend Carmen. He had this to say:
“You have to stay strong. I know you want to call him, but with me and Carmen…I would call her because I use to always turn to her with my problems. But after the breakup, when we talked on the phone I would talk about how I was feeling about the breakup. And it was pathetic. I would take it back in a second. I’m not saying you’re pathetic, but you [just have to] keep looking forward.”
True dat, Jonathan. And Reader, as an author I’m not saying you look pathetic if you have fallen into this territory (like I did so willingly), but be aware that if you choose to keep up contact, you are swimming in dangerous waters that could cause your poor, little heart more sorrow and/or instability. Just keep on truckin’!
≈
Every Friday, my first period at school chooses to engage in an activity we call ‘Circle’. Everyone puts their desk in a, you guessed it, circle, and we go around talking about our week and answering thought-provoking questions from some neat and yellowed question book. I remember one Friday, a few weeks after Ex and I had split, I lamented to the class and our teacher:
“Why can’t we have a class over heartbreak? It’s something everyone goes through, and it’s an inevitable part of life. All people need to learn to cope with it, so why isn’t heartbreak featured in the curriculum? I’m being serious!”
My teacher, an all-knowing psychologist and published author, the wisest instructor my school has ever known, smiled gently and replied with this:
“Because it has to be learned, not taught.”
≈
A fraction is an emotional rollercoaster, at least in my case it is. The first two weeks afterwards was a horrible and devastating time. What was I supposed to do now after school since I couldn’t spend time with Ex drinking Simply Lemonade and chatting about our day? Where would I go now after play rehearsal since we couldn’t cuddle on his couch and watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I had to find something to fill up the time or I’d go crazy.
But I’m not going to lie to you; it took quite a few weeks of just plain moping before I got around to doing anything productive. But once I did, my heart began feeling better and continues to feel better. My first order of business was writing a letter to myself. I got the idea from the wikiHow website. The idea was found on the page, ‘How to Get Over a Breakup’. Writing a letter to yourself sounds like a lame idea you’d find in Seventeen (or just a How-To website…), but it really works. Here’s what you shall do:
1. Grab a pen, paper, and gather your thoughts.
2. Write a letter that encourages personal strength. Now’s not the time to be modest— compliment yourself on anything and everything. Tell yourself to stay strong, because you ARE strong, my dear little Reader.
3. Conjure up not-so-good memories of your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and record them. And really be relentless. When you feel like calling or texting your ex, this letter will serve as a reminder of all the bad things and hopefully prevent you from contacting them.
Another method of coping is bringing yourself back down to earth by talking to someone who makes you laugh. In my experience, it’s easy to become wrapped up in your own world and feel secluded. Next time you feel this way, pick up the phone and talk about it with someone. I swear to god, talking it out works wonders. Many a sad tear of mine hath turned into tears of laughter thanks to Jonathan or other good pals of mine.
And please do this if you have time, good Reader: google ‘This American Life breakups’, click the first result, and listen to the radio show I mentioned earlier. It’s a roughly hour-long show about people dealing with heartbreak in their lives— and surprisingly it’s incredibly charming, endearing, and hopeful. In my eyes at least. Please give it a listen. It will lift your spirits and make you smile a little.
≈
I met Conrad at a youth leadership convention about ten months ago. He’s one of those rare beings who’s wise beyond their years and whose compassion is comparable to that of Mother Theresa. Seriously. Conrad has this to say:
“ A boyfriend, a partner, a lover is a companion in life, but not necessarily a cornerstone in my existence; we all have our own light, and it doesn't fade or fundamentally change in the presence of another light.”
Reader, you survived before you ex-partner, and you will survive after them! Conrad continued with:
“Losing someone close to me once, I felt as if all the light in the world had escaped this vacuum of love. After realizing, but still not owning, the fact that ‘we’ were no longer, all I wanted to do was curl up and wait for my world to implode or turn back into what it was. I was anxious to be back with him because I wanted to be back with myself. To my surprise, I was completely wrapped up in this companionship. It wasn't until I received some fabulous insight from a mutual friend that I remembered that I was my own person before him. I was a beautiful, smiley, exuberant, wonderful, sexy person while with him... Why shouldn't I have been before? Right! After that first lurch of empowerment, I was on the mend. Sure, there were times when I was certainly sad. I missed him dearly. I missed the comfort of his fire, and the energy that came along with it. However, owning myself, and realizing my independence, was perhaps the greatest and most important thing he could have taught me.”
Ashley, the friend I mentioned earlier, also had some valuable input:
“Although excruciatingly slow, father Time is truly the ultimate healer of heartbreak. It's hard to remember that when something terrible happens to you, one day you will be okay again-- just like how the nastiest of wounds will eventually heal. It's so important to hold on to that because you're essentially holding on to yourself. I remember vividly the feeling that I was not only going to feel like shit for the rest of my damned life, but I was also never going to find somebody I loved more than him. It's just not true, it is a complete mirage we paint in our heads and it's so dangerous to our mental health. After months of pain, I realized how scary it was that I had invested so much emotion into that relationship, and that realization has shaped and molded my perspective today.”
≈
One of the most enriching experiences I’ve had since the fraction was with my church’s senior minister. I go to a Unitarian church (in a nutshell, a place where all religions are accepted and seen as true) and on a Tuesday afternoon in late November, I sat down in his office. He is one of the wisest men I have ever met, and my respect for his candor and thoughtfulness is never ending. This quote is paraphrased as I cannot recall the exact wording. Reader, if you take anything away from this blog, take this:
“The most important part of healing from a relationship is self-reflection. It is only through self-reflection that we grow. Ask yourself why you miss that person. What have you learned from this experience? It’s important to be honest with yourself. Some people spend their whole lives not figuring this out. I wish I had reflected when I was your age [and not just forced myself to move on]. It would have made things a lot easier later on. You’re going to meet someone when you’re 35 who is still the same 15 year old they were in high school. It’s because they never reflected.”
I’m proud to say that I have taken his advice to heart. I have confronted my innermost desires, virtues, and vices head on with self-reflection. And it works. I haven’t healed completely from the breakup, but thanks to this reflection concept, I’ve done what I can. Now all I need is time.
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